I'm 31, and it's frightening. Hear me out before you think of me as some desperate damsel-in-distress.
I haven't figured out what gives me the unclouded joy that I would want to do it for the rest of my life. I was that person who was so confident that I would have mapped out all the things I want by 25 and do them all by 30. Travel feverishly, spend a lot of money, have fun, be kind to strangers, give a little of myself to the people I meet everyday, leave a trail (yeah, do all the Eat Pray Love thing before 30).
I haven't figured out what gives me the unclouded joy that I would want to do it for the rest of my life. I was that person who was so confident that I would have mapped out all the things I want by 25 and do them all by 30. Travel feverishly, spend a lot of money, have fun, be kind to strangers, give a little of myself to the people I meet everyday, leave a trail (yeah, do all the Eat Pray Love thing before 30).
But here am I clueless as always. Who did I fool huh? Map? It's like what Phoebe says in Friends, I don't even have a pla...(n).
Don't get me wrong here. I'm NOT talking about my marriage or "settling down" as people call it. Yeah, and I wonder why people call that. Getting a job, getting stable in a relationship, getting married and all, shouldn't these things stir you up and get you all excited? Why wouldn't it be called 'soaring up high' or something. Oh, maybe they don't, because the excitement wanes pretty much soon and then you are back to the levelled ground and you settle down. I get it.
So here I am, well, just to rattle on about my life and the likes of women like me. Proceed from here if you are prepared for a harangue on the treatment of 'unmarried women in their 30s'.
I am a career woman who is independent. I make friends with people who acknowledge and respect the person I am with the promise of reciprocating the same unto them. I have a predisposition to engage in an intellectually stimulating conversation any day, anytime. I am sincere in my job, and never work only for my paycheque (although it is important too). I am a responsible daughter who deems it a privilege to provide for my family and shoulder duties that come my way.
And yet, interestingly, people (not all, but definitely a lot of them) never care about these parts of me or my life. They look at me as if I were an old spinster, seated on a wooden easy chair facing the window, and knitting a scarf. I said I wouldn't talk about marriage, but that's what I am going to do.
Believe me, I'm very patient almost most days, but this is one of those days when I lost it. I know not if it's the pandemic or lockdown or just me being myself. So now, we have a list of things that bother me about this whole 'marriage' thing—
A. When random people meet me, they always start the conversation with my marriage. I cannot decipher what is wrong with these people. Why would anyone talk about a most private thing as marriage for a conversation-starter? There is weather to talk about, as the Britishers do. Or a simple 'how are you,' 'how is work,' 'what is exciting at your end' and so on and so forth. But not for them ever! Right at the start, they jump into this, this cursed topic of marriage.
B. I have friends and family who genuinely care about my wellbeing who talk about marriage to me. I understand and respect their concern and do not feel frustrated or irritated ever. What I never understand though is when a complete stranger or an acquaintance ora colleague with whom I have a purely work/non personal relationship or a person I would never meet again even by happenstance, ask me about when I would get married. They even take the liberty to indulge me in a free, unsought advice on how the bomb is ticking off inside of me and how I am never getting any younger. Take a break, people. I would not run to you for advice even when the Armageddon is approaching.
C. I have a mother who respects my choice, a sister who berates people who annoy me as a sign of support and a group of trusted friends who know how I feel and perk me up with jokes on how people are so ill-mannered and have the audacity to comment on my private life.
D. What is upsetting the most is how all this 'marriage talk' is very regressive. It is a very gender-biased thing, I would say. You are implying that a woman ought to get married and that she is completed only by a man. You want a woman to go back in time and live in a world where man was the hunter-gatherer and the woman's role was limited to the den. But what we forget is brute force was needed for humans in the Stone Age, and that made men physically superior to women. So the idea that a man completes a woman is so damn trite and 'unwoke'.
And yet, interestingly, people (not all, but definitely a lot of them) never care about these parts of me or my life. They look at me as if I were an old spinster, seated on a wooden easy chair facing the window, and knitting a scarf. I said I wouldn't talk about marriage, but that's what I am going to do.
Believe me, I'm very patient almost most days, but this is one of those days when I lost it. I know not if it's the pandemic or lockdown or just me being myself. So now, we have a list of things that bother me about this whole 'marriage' thing—
A. When random people meet me, they always start the conversation with my marriage. I cannot decipher what is wrong with these people. Why would anyone talk about a most private thing as marriage for a conversation-starter? There is weather to talk about, as the Britishers do. Or a simple 'how are you,' 'how is work,' 'what is exciting at your end' and so on and so forth. But not for them ever! Right at the start, they jump into this, this cursed topic of marriage.
B. I have friends and family who genuinely care about my wellbeing who talk about marriage to me. I understand and respect their concern and do not feel frustrated or irritated ever. What I never understand though is when a complete stranger or an acquaintance or
C. I have a mother who respects my choice, a sister who berates people who annoy me as a sign of support and a group of trusted friends who know how I feel and perk me up with jokes on how people are so ill-mannered and have the audacity to comment on my private life.
D. What is upsetting the most is how all this 'marriage talk' is very regressive. It is a very gender-biased thing, I would say. You are implying that a woman ought to get married and that she is completed only by a man. You want a woman to go back in time and live in a world where man was the hunter-gatherer and the woman's role was limited to the den. But what we forget is brute force was needed for humans in the Stone Age, and that made men physically superior to women. So the idea that a man completes a woman is so damn trite and 'unwoke'.
E. Being unmarried at 31 is no sign that one is uninterested in marriage or that she is making a case against marriage. It is a choice some women make and it should be, at the least, respected.
F. No self-respecting person would violate the privacy of another person. In these COVID-19 times social distancing is the mantra. We could learn a lesson or two from it. Social distancing could also mean respecting and being aware of someone's privacy and not intrude into their personal space.
G. How nobody says anything about the failed marriages they see around them, the abusive relationships, and the emotional and financial dependency that women are made to put themselves through. Not a word against the social injustices we encounter every single day. They make it seem like everything is so perfect with this world, except for the fact that some women choose to get married at an age they want to, or remain single forever. That is the reason for all the problems.
And now, quoting instances from my life would be so unnecessary given the tirade I indulged in. So to sum it up, it's the pent up anger that has turned me into 'A Mt. Etna' spewing out hot molten lava on those who talk about marriage to me or to anyone. I am sick of the fact that women are still treated as second-rate humans and that when there are so many important things to worry about, everybody chooses to obsess on the 'unmarried' status of women in this country. So if I sound too rude or offensive, or even seem a little overdramatic fretting over an insignificant thing, you are mistaken. It ain't a trifling thing what I talk about! It shows how our society (mal)functions; how even in the twenty-first century very little has changed when it comes to treating women with dignity (or the lack of it). How the world is a toxic environment for independent women who are brave and smart enough to do what is right for them. How a woman is always made to seek external validation to make herself feel good.
What I said so far will resonate with a lot of women (and men) who dare to rewrite the rules written down by the society.
A little support wouldn't hurt. Or even better, show the same indifference shown to other important things in this world.
F. No self-respecting person would violate the privacy of another person. In these COVID-19 times social distancing is the mantra. We could learn a lesson or two from it. Social distancing could also mean respecting and being aware of someone's privacy and not intrude into their personal space.
G. How nobody says anything about the failed marriages they see around them, the abusive relationships, and the emotional and financial dependency that women are made to put themselves through. Not a word against the social injustices we encounter every single day. They make it seem like everything is so perfect with this world, except for the fact that some women choose to get married at an age they want to, or remain single forever. That is the reason for all the problems.
And now, quoting instances from my life would be so unnecessary given the tirade I indulged in. So to sum it up, it's the pent up anger that has turned me into 'A Mt. Etna' spewing out hot molten lava on those who talk about marriage to me or to anyone. I am sick of the fact that women are still treated as second-rate humans and that when there are so many important things to worry about, everybody chooses to obsess on the 'unmarried' status of women in this country. So if I sound too rude or offensive, or even seem a little overdramatic fretting over an insignificant thing, you are mistaken. It ain't a trifling thing what I talk about! It shows how our society (mal)functions; how even in the twenty-first century very little has changed when it comes to treating women with dignity (or the lack of it). How the world is a toxic environment for independent women who are brave and smart enough to do what is right for them. How a woman is always made to seek external validation to make herself feel good.
What I said so far will resonate with a lot of women (and men) who dare to rewrite the rules written down by the society.
A little support wouldn't hurt. Or even better, show the same indifference shown to other important things in this world.
Cheers to me and all the women in 30s!
